it has been one year from the seventh of July that I've been back from my mission.
I'm moving on with my life
not much to say.
I feel like my world is fraying, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be anything that this universe has to offer. I'm trying to stay positive because the alternative is suicide. I'm carrying on because....... because.... I don't want others to catch my disease.... because... maybe a door will finally open up...
I've been working with a Roof company called Warburtons and after three pathetically painful months I'm finally down to the last week. I go to work and I feel useless, like I'm dressing up and trying to convince real humans that I'm a construction worker. It's a sad stroke of luck that they are too desperate to fire me.
I don't understand why this is SO DIFFICULT for me. It is beyond me how someone could survive working here for any extended amount of time, and yet the second newest employee has worked there for nearly a YEAR, and after that, FOUR YEARS. I AM MISERABLE. Why is this SO HARD?
I don't feel like I'm getting any answerssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Or maybe I'm just wallowing in my despair. I CAN NOT TELL. Maybe I'm so depressed because I'm NOT LISTENING to the answers I've been given my whole life. Go to church, read the scriptures, keep covenants, go to the temple. But when I actually DO these things I'm just as likely to become MORE anxious! I feel that I am stuck in quite a conundrum.
So I just sort of walk the roads I can see.
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